So I Heard You're Boned

Why yes, yes I am.

Sometimes life gets so good that you expect something bad to happen. This is one of those times.

Luckily, I've had a few weeks to think about it. After an awesome spring break, full of seeing old friends, renewing old friendships, and making new ones, it all had to come crashing down at some point. I definitely thought I would take it in stride, but it hit me pretty hard. Regardless of seeing it coming, I was in a daze all of last week.

I guess it's moving on time. Try again? Forgo all of that shit? Decisions decisions...

Decompressing after days of rushing is just about the worst feeling ever.

I can't believe it's almost over. I'm not ready to move on yet.

The blissful thing about being sick is that you don't have the mental capacity to think in the long term.

Unfortunately, now everything is coming apart at the seams. I know it will get salvaged somehow, but I foresee a lot of bs and all-nighters. This always happens, doesn't it?

Everything just explodes for a while, and then it all comes back together. Guess some of us just don't get to live stable lives. That's the price you pay for excitement, I suppose.

Pipe Dreams

You know you're OCD when you have dreams about hand-sanitizer fundraisers.

Lern 2 OCD nub

I'm not sure if it's right to be all haughty when someone says something like "omg I'm so OCD cause I like to wash my hands a lot", because I'm usually thinking "bitch, please. I was doin' that shit in 7th grade. No tics, no rits, get outta here kid."

I met you a long time ago.

I hated you at first. Always around, keeping me up at night, making me frustrated during the day. I wished you would go away, but you were always there. Sometimes you'd disappear, but you'd always be back.

But then, I started needing you. I would stay up and you would be there for me. You kept the nightmares away.

Now our paths randomly cross. Our meetings are fleeting, but that's for the best. No sense of being overwhelmed. Just long enough.

I'll always need you. And you'll always need me.

Funny how that works.

Being sick is weird, in that I read more instead of doing other things.

On perfection

I can't remember the last time before today where I woke up reaching for a dream. Not just a great dream, but one of actual perfection. The notion of waking up not just content, but fulfilled as well is somewhat of a foreign concept to me, as my subconscious loves to veer towards the malicious. Is it perhaps malicious in a new way, as it leaves me with this odd longing to return? Maybe mocking me, as if life could ever be that perfect, with all the pieces falling into place? It's hard to tell. Maybe it's best just to savor something so ideal, regardless of its intent.

I'm surprised, but then I'm not...

Well then, this year has gone with an awesome start, and I mean that in the most sarcastic manner that can be conveyed through the internet.

Though the prospect of not getting into medical school doesn't nip at my sanity as it may with other pre-meds, thought I admit that I am not completely immune to its effects. Such an outcome would mean that I will have to take further initiative to secure some form of vocational training in a harrowing attempt to escape the nightmare Asian fate of horrible middle class mediocrity, or god forbid, poverty.

While a pressing issue, I feel like its significance has been overshadowed by the overarching theme of senior yeah: ambivalence. I wish I knew the source of the problem, but it just appears to be some sort of clout of ennui.

The theme of college was supposed to be hedged on an old quote I found in an old yearbook: "I'd rather regret the things I did than the things I didn't do." I would say that for the most part, I have been able to follow this adage, though one could argue there are clear areas that require work. While my stance on "was it worth it" is unwavering, it begins to tremble on the notion of "was she worth it". It always seems to me that the alternative results would have been inferior to the actual results. Is it true, or is it my skewed interpretation?

I try not to lose sleep over it. But some things shouldn't be left to fester.

And so it begins anew

Don't expect anything too fancy